I just wanted to say that from "the day" in June last year, to probes, biopsies and surgeries, then through chemo, and later radiation, that I breezed through it all.  I was mostly cheerful and upbeat.  I sailed through it all thinking that having breast cancer was not as big a deal as I'd thought it was prior to joining its club.  I began to get emotional near the end of radiation and with the removal of my port. 

Now, I'm basically a wreck and I feel as if I'm in mourning over the devastation and horrors.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  And when I saw the mammo machine today, I broke down completely.  I didn't cry over the other scans I went through today.  Seeing that damned machine amplified all the horror I'd been through in the past year.  Breezing?  What was that all about?  Did I need to sail to walk through breast cancer?  

I honestly do know where all this emotion is coming from.  I know it's a blessed relief to finally emote.  But I don't know if this is "normal" or if anyone else besides me has experienced this.

I just wanted to say....thanks for hearing me out.  It gets really lonely sometimes.

Marian 

DX June 20, 2011
IDC, E+P-, HER2-, Ki67 49%
Lumpectomy 7/26/11 & 8/23/11   
Lymph nodes clear!   
BRCA 1-/2-
Stage 1, Grade III 
Oncotype: 36%
Taxotere/Cytoxn 1 2 3 4 12/12/11
33 Rads completed 3/16/12
Start Arimidex 3/17/12    

[link=http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/

Marian,

Just a note to say that you are not alone when you have all of these women here beside you.  I have come to this site many times just to vent and there is always someone here to hear me.  I did not have the chemo or rad, and my first diagnois was in 2008 and the second was 2011, and I still find times that it hits me really hard when someone says that word"Cancer" I can not believe that I was the one hit with it.  I am the only one in my family to have ever gotten cancer on my side and found out that some of my family could not handle it. Who knows what is right in the way that we handle our journey everyone is very different, so do not beat yourself up thinking that you have to be one way or the other, You will get through this a stronger person.  OK I am done rambling, just know that you are a strong person and you will make it through.

mom of 2 kids
single after 31 years
Oregon City, Or
ILBC dx 9/30 with 2 nodes affected
progesterone/estrogen positive
her2 neg
double mast 10/20 no reconstruction 
no chemo 11/25
started tamoxifen 11/27 

Marian, I think while we are in battle for our lives we are like in fight mode...and we march through it.....but when the battle is over we crash and burn. I think it is so normal to do that and even though I didn't do chemo I think that after finishing rads I did sort of crash. Spent alot of time in tears and doing a breast self exam pretty much every time I showered. :-P It is like when your child or loved one gets hurt or has a medical emergency you deal with what needs to be dealt with....but when it is over and all is well we burst into tears (at least I do.) Allow yourself to grieve for that person you were...and you are emerging a new a stronger person. Know that we are here for you, for venting, ranting and also for the good news. Hugs to you, sister!

Bothell, WA
dx 5/07 IDC
lumpectomy 6/14/07 1.5cm
er/pr + Nodes negative
finished rads 9/13
Tamoxfen 9/07- 8/09
Arimidex 8/09-

Marian, I too am very weepy, emotionally unpredictable and have experienced unanticipated reactions coming up to a year post-surgery/rads. Stayed at Mayo Clinic Marriott as part of a music convention and when I saw the hotel sign reassuring patients of help getting to and fro to treatment, I broke down. Many things seemed to trigger the reaction and I began a course of anti-depressants yet to take effect. The "anniversary phenomena", where we seem to anticipate the memory of a terrible experience is what I think I am experiencing. I think the estrogen blockers amplify it for me. Even returned to the cancer center activities I had avoided and am now willing to face more fully the fact that I had breast cancer. You aren't alone though I often feel that as well. Unexpected kindness also opens the floodgates for me.

Marian, I went though it, too. I think it is similar (or IS) post traumatic stress syndrome. When you are going through treatment, you just gotta do what you gotta do. And then when it is all over, you can internalize it, own it, and begin to live the new normal. I sought help, and had a few therapy sessions with the social worker assigned to the radiation oncology unit. But it lasts a while.

Farla
dx 8/09, R double lumpectomy, invasive mixed DCIS/LCIS
ER + PR + Her -
1/3 Sentinel pos. 1/15 nodes pos
 Stage 2A  Grade 2, Nottingham 6
chemo A/C x4, Taxol x 4 started 9/21/09 DONE!!!
femara  started 2/5/10
rads  2/8/10 DONE!!!
Now - osteoporosis?  Vit D, calcium, and a baby aspirin to boot!

I surely can relate....I went thru bilateral mastectomy, chemo , a broken hip , a broken sacrum, a ruptured wrist tendon, two collapsed lungs, 3 reconstructions surgeries, nipple reconstruction, osteoporosis and Zometa treatments ( still ongoing), fungal lung infection, pneumonia, potassium depletion from meds, oh and something I have forgotten I am sure and yes I breezed thru it all, just did what I had to...I have had the hardest time in the last year,,,like above Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome....meds that make you weepy, body image acceptance etc...I am getting a tad better but some days are just bad, but then again I am still with port a cath, still receiving Zometa and still getting 4 month cancer checks so moving on is hard but one day at a time...you are not alone...hang in there, seek help if you need it...and or meds and well give yourself time, acceptance of a new you is hard..( did I just write that, I should listen to myself...lost it with my doc today after port a cath flush, cried like a baby over body image etc...he said nothing wrong with me just need time to accept...been a long journey and not even over yet..) :)

50 yrs, Rt breast lump found 4/12/09 during shower. 5/7/09 Organs, bones & head clean. 5/8/09Bilateral Mastectomy/ skin sparing surgery, implantation of skin expanders, removal 3 lymph nodes,one pos., tumors 1.5 cms x 0.8 cms & 0.8 cms x 1 cm, one tumor surprise, hidden. DX:Mixed Lobular and ductal adenoca. rt breast with badly defined borders.
Est. Pos. nuc. ( +/+++) Prog pos. nuc. intense ( +++/+++) Her2- non-amplified, KI-67 pos. less than 30%

I think that one year mark is traumatic.  Suddenly it seems that everything we went through comes crashing in.  When you are running from doctors to tests to treatment, etc., you really don't have time to think.  It's when everything slows down that it hits you hard!

For my one year mark, I ended up joining a cancer support group. I still haven't quite figured things out.  I don't feel much like a survivor.  My body tells shows me the scars of battle, but the rest of me just doesn't feel it.

Tina    
dx 2/1/11 DCIS
Lumpectomy 2/27 results DCIS/LCIS Stage 0 ER+ PR+
Bi-lateral Mastectomy 4/26 with expanders 
6/3 Surgery to remove contaminated expander due to infection.
7/22/11 Surgery to reinsert the expander. 
10/11/2011 Surgery to replace tissue expanders with implants. 
 

Marian I had the same experience.  Worked through chemo(for the most part), took care of my family, and didn't miss a beat.  Fell apart after if was all over and almost passed out at the sight of the mamo machine.  I agree with the above ladies about the PTSD.  I am 3 years out and still have my moments.  Hang in there because the first year out is the hardest. It does get better with time.  We are here for you:)xxoo

IDC October 2009
Lumpectomy x2 to get clear margins
Stage 2a Grade 3
1/11 nodes positive 
er+
4 DD A/C
12 Taxol
Radiation
Femara

Marian,
 
What you are experiencing is completely normal and I went through it as well.  Honestly, once treatment was over I became even more scared and I think it was because I felt my safety net of always been seen by the doctors was over.  But, I promised you, it will get better.  Give yourself time to heal and to get your confidence back.  There will come a day when you will not be consumed by thoughts of breast cancer.  I no longer wake up in the morning with the first thoughts of breast cancer on my mind.  Granted, I am 6 1/2 years post diagnosis, and while the fear is still there particularly at test time and onc visits, I just thank God every day for what I am given.  Hang in there.

Toni
LI NY
DCIS 10/05 
Surgery & 6 1/2 weeks of radiation 
Tamoxifen for 2 1/2 months and stopped
due to vision issues

I am also at my 1 year point after my DCIS diagnosis and it will be one year next month since my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction.  It's been a bit rough the last couple of months because I had a scare of a recurrence in April which turned out to be a benign cyst in my reconstructed breast. The cyst was in my right breat where I had a 6 cm grade 3 DCIS tumor.  I actually got scared when I had to have an ultrasound in the room next to the one where my biopsy was done.  Seeing that room again gave me chills.  I know things will get better with time, but it still is hard at times.