I don't know how to begin - I've been having some pain and discolorization in one of my implants so I asked my husband to look at it to see if he noticed any difference and in a moment of spontaneous honesty he said, "well, your scar is really ugly"  this was directed to the one that is NOT bothering me. 
 
He appologized immediately, but the words were there floating in the air around me.  I didn't meltdown or say anything - just business as usual, but when my head hit the pillow, I cried and cried.  I can't fault him, but I could have lived the rest of my life never hearing that...
 
Thanks for listening,
Dana
 

age 49 (HB, CA)
IDC & DCIS R/breast, ER/PR+ HER2-, no nodes!
BiLat Mast. 2-1-08 w/immediate reconstruction
4 rounds A/C, done 6/11/08
Strong Family Hist.
carepages: doodlebuggy
RECURRENCE 2-1-2013 - five years to the day! Stage IIIb - yikes! Nothing is more important than this day.

Oh Dana, I'm so sorry!  That was an insensitive thing to say, but it happens.   You know for sure, that he didn't say it to hurt you... as you said it was 'spontaneous honesty' which is usually not what we want to hear.  Please don't suck it up.  Please tell him what he said hurt you and why it hurt; then you can kiss and makeup :)

Hug
Elaine

 A person's greatness is the power to stand alone;to be able to make her own choice; in action,to write anew her own law; to choose her own sacrifices; run her own dangers; win her own freedom; venture her own destruction; to choose her own happiness 
 

Dana, while you twist his ear tell him it's a Warrior Wound,  earned at great personal expense.

There is an upside to everything and guess he said in a very clumsy way that your Implant seemed OK to him....MEN!!!!  

Hugs:)
Sharon

Non Hodgkins Lymphoma Extra Nodal (Stomach + BM)
Stage IV C. Survivor x 5 years
T/ment: 8 cycles Rituxan CVP x 8 + Rads. x 30
Friends affected by Breast Cancer

Thanks for responding - sometimes these moments are funny - like when I was bald and he asked if I needed shampoo from the market.  But this one stung.  I'll get over it - I just need my Komen sisters' help :)

age 49 (HB, CA)
IDC & DCIS R/breast, ER/PR+ HER2-, no nodes!
BiLat Mast. 2-1-08 w/immediate reconstruction
4 rounds A/C, done 6/11/08
Strong Family Hist.
carepages: doodlebuggy
RECURRENCE 2-1-2013 - five years to the day! Stage IIIb - yikes! Nothing is more important than this day.

Dana, I'm sorry. I agree with Sharon that things just pop out of our husbands' mouths sometimes that can be very hurtful. And, as Sharon also said, our scars are indeed war wounds, aren't they? The fact that he apologized immediately means that he is aware (and sorry) that he hurt you, and that's worth a lot in a marriage. I always tell my daughter that one of the most important things in a relationship is the willingness to say "I'm sorry." I don't mean to diminish your hurt, Dana. I hope that you can remind yourself that you are beautiful inside and out, scars and all. 

Rena age 63 California Central Coast
26-year survivor
BRCA2-positive
Dx 1986 IDC ER/PR negative 22 positive lymph nodes
CMFVP chemo weekly for one year, 7 weeks radiation
October 2007: New chassis and spark plugs!

Thanks Rena - I try to keep the definition of survivor in mind:
 - to continue to function or prosper despite : withstand <they survived many hardships>

age 49 (HB, CA)
IDC & DCIS R/breast, ER/PR+ HER2-, no nodes!
BiLat Mast. 2-1-08 w/immediate reconstruction
4 rounds A/C, done 6/11/08
Strong Family Hist.
carepages: doodlebuggy
RECURRENCE 2-1-2013 - five years to the day! Stage IIIb - yikes! Nothing is more important than this day.

Dana I can't add to whats already been said but just to tell you I'm sorry you were hurt and I'm sure hubby could have bitten his tongue out when you left the room!!

Tricia Keegan...From Ireland Dx July '05 IDC 3/9 nodes pos..triple positive..a/c x 4..Taxol/herceptin x 12
Herceptin 1yr ..rads x35 oophorectomy Aug '06
Currently taking Arimidex /Zometa 1 x yearly
Carepage- survivortricia

Dana,
 
I'm sorry you were subjected to such a thoughtless remark. I hope your hubby is not planning to run for  office any time soon. Otherwise, he'd better hire a good "spin" doctor.
 

Lumpectomy 4/14/05 at age 69
Stage 1, 2cm, Node Negative
Grade 3, Triple Negative
AC/Taxol, Radiation,
BRCA2 positive (It's always something!)
No Family History

Dancer, on one level it's certainly true: our scars are ugly. But men (just like women) are complicated, and there are other levels too. Even a warrior wound is an ugly thing, though warriors wear their wounds with pride. Still, love wishes there had never been a war, and that's what your husband was saying.

If it's any help I'll share what my son (who was old enough to know better) said to me after I explained that I would be going through chemo, losing my hair, feeling very sick for a very long time. He leaped out of his chair and enfolded me in a (rare!) embrace, and while holding me close whispered, "Oh, I'm so glad it's not me!"

Men are so clumsy they're funny. We would never say things like that, but they do. It's all good, though -- it opens a discussion we could never have had if we were all too polite to blurt the hard truths. You are precious to him, even your hard-won scars. That's all that matters.
Gentle hugs,
B4

Dana,
Is your husband normally a gentle, kind, supportive and understanding man?
This might be the perfect time to open more discussion about how you both feel that bc has changed you.  

Is there ayone who hasn't suffered from "foot in mouth" disease sometime in their life?  The fact that those 5 words came from your trusted life partner is a bigger pill to swallow, but where there is love, there can be forgiveness. 
 

dx ILC/dcis excisional biopsy 5/30/08
r segmental mast (partial) snb 6/4
node neg stage1 gr ll
er+/pr- Her2 - Oncotype Dx 11
R mast 9/22/08 w DIEP
tamox,now AI 
BRCA 1 & 2 NEG
davinci hyst/bso,