Rena you are a true inspiration and yes I guess you show us all there is truly hope.... It appears many of us are struggling with issues post cancer and treatment. I know for me from Diagnosis to not that long ago ( 3years almost) , I have been either getting treatments, surgeries, appts. tests etc. so all that takes energy and focus, so did not worry about the afterwards, well I am now in the afterwards ad yes I am struggling, before I fought now I struggle. ElaineQW you have a very great attitude and perspective but I cannot seem to get there. No the things I am complaining about now did not exist before. I had tons of self confidence, I liked me, who I was emotionally, psychologically and physically, now I am not sure who I even am. Really do wish you had that magic wand LOL... Like some other posters I find myself less tolerant of many and more tolerant of some...everyone who has never had this seems to be an expert and those with it seems to understand yet some never say anythign , others just say such happy positive things how grateful they are that they got cancer , come on let us be real... Pulling the covers over my head int he morning, hmm, what I want to do all the time...my first thought oh no not another day...sad uh I feel good when I am helping others yes, I feel good when sharing and listening to others stories. I hate to look in the mirror, used to love vacations and yes I still make myself go on them and actually I live for traveling but I do not enjoy as I used to, why...well you get dressed up, you sunbathe, you look in mirror a lot, how depressing.. fat, scarred, who is that person in the mirror?? Then there is the so how are you doing? No one really wants to hear so oh I am fine, doing great big phony smile. Ugh. I live in fear of it , yes it coming back every single day..guess time makes that lessen. Oh the medications, I am on Tamoxifen, Zometa still have my port a cath meds for depressiona and hot flashes, meds to sleep, side effects, worry about side effects, man this is like too much. PTSD... I definately think breast cancer survivors have this, I think I do...I feel traumatized by all I have been thru in 3 years...I feel like I no longer fit, I feel like everyone is just totally sick of it all and want to pretend nothing ever happened to me... Yes, life as I say ac ( after cancer ) is really really hard and as posted before, by Pat P.this describes me as well...."mostly gloomy with occasional periods of happiness...pathetic, huh? " Oh yes then there is the ever present back and bone pain, never ending....and also the lack of desire for sex, the inability to use anything for that, the hot flashes , the dryness, the husband who is expecting a wife who wants sex since he is here for maybe a month then back in States for a month more or less etc...actually thank goodness he is not here all the time, cause frankly sex is not a happy thing for me anymore, no breast sensation, no breasts just implants and fake nipples....dried up prune with no desire and no lubrication or elasticity.. Okay my rant for today...life goes on ac....:(

50 yrs, Rt breast lump found 4/12/09 during shower. 5/7/09 Organs, bones & head clean. 5/8/09Bilateral Mastectomy/ skin sparing surgery, implantation of skin expanders, removal 3 lymph nodes,one pos., tumors 1.5 cms x 0.8 cms & 0.8 cms x 1 cm, one tumor surprise, hidden. DX:Mixed Lobular and ductal adenoca. rt breast with badly defined borders.
Est. Pos. nuc. ( +/+++) Prog pos. nuc. intense ( +++/+++) Her2- non-amplified, KI-67 pos. less than 30%

Hi guys, I think Karen ( I forgot what her name here was) started a thread exploring just this in survivorship - how to handle our new norm, but if we do it here, it is good, too. Lots of us just head over to sound off, and not really visit the other threads. I agree with Pat - it is PTSD. Really no one understands this. My disease wasn't so bad - I still have my boobs, my scars are minimal, and most likely I will survive. My mother and husband kept minimizing the impact. Not that they weren't helpful during treatment - they were, but they seem to think - or need to think that it is over, finished, done. But then you hear of someone with just my diagnosis - who dies after a recurrence 7 years later and you start spiraling down. Why did it strike me? What did I do? How can I prevent it? Healthy living? Prayer? I am a strong believer in counseling, or support groups, or maybe just sharing like we do here. But our feelings are real, and we have to figure out what to do about them. I am part of Sharsharet - a young Jewish women's cancer organization. I am what they call a link. They matched me with someone who has a similar path, and we now call, and text each other. She is in the middle of her chemo, and we share. Who else will understand?

Farla
dx 8/09, R double lumpectomy, invasive mixed DCIS/LCIS
ER + PR + Her -
1/3 Sentinel pos. 1/15 nodes pos
 Stage 2A  Grade 2, Nottingham 6
chemo A/C x4, Taxol x 4 started 9/21/09 DONE!!!
femara  started 2/5/10
rads  2/8/10 DONE!!!
Now - osteoporosis?  Vit D, calcium, and a baby aspirin to boot!

Hey Bezerk I guess we were typing at the same time. Let me repeat something you said that is TOTALLY TABOO and that I really really agree with. Those people who are grateful they got cancer? Oh really? What planet are you from? They drive me crazy. And yes, I seem to be less tolerant of some things, and yet more tolerant of other things. Maybe we are just more aware of it?

Farla
dx 8/09, R double lumpectomy, invasive mixed DCIS/LCIS
ER + PR + Her -
1/3 Sentinel pos. 1/15 nodes pos
 Stage 2A  Grade 2, Nottingham 6
chemo A/C x4, Taxol x 4 started 9/21/09 DONE!!!
femara  started 2/5/10
rads  2/8/10 DONE!!!
Now - osteoporosis?  Vit D, calcium, and a baby aspirin to boot!

So, from the posts I have read, this was needed.  This is somewhere that we can be honest with all that we are feeling post, etc.  I also believe the other forums are so important as we need the positives!!!  But we need to be honest with our feelings and many have so many thoughts that are afraid to SHARE what they are really thinking and going through!! 
   Yes, we have great days also.  But somedays we just need to say whatever, good and down?
     I lost my Mother and was diagnosed 1 1/2 half years later.  My oncologist still doesn't get my fears so I have learned to act like I am ok, nothing bothering me.  But since my surgeries, I have found lumps they had to biopsy (neg), had injuries that since I have had cancer, we must do bone scans, and the last they found spots on my head so did pet scans- neg.  I still find bumps and issues and worry cuz they still can't explain things.
    I remind myself that I surely don't want to hear those words, so move on!!  But the fears pop up at odd times.
   I used to be ever so grateful that I was alive-SURVIVED it!!  I also realize how things can change so suddenly.  I think sometimes being  alone gives you to much time to think about this!!!!  I have cancelled my appt with my oncologist twice now.  My primary doctor wants me to have an oncologist for LIFE (what limitations does that mean).  My oncologist I think wants to move on to other patients that have a "worse" prognosis!!  
   Anyway, today I am ok.  Hung up on my children and some bad issues there.  Just in a slump and having more trouble pulling out of compared to most times.  
  Craving chocolate.  Love the sunshine and wishing it would stay.
Weather has been variable.  Appreciate having friends here!!
Rose
   

 Pink Impacts Forever
5-23-06 DCIS High Grade
Strong family history BC/OVCA
denied(lost appeals)out of network surgery
10-30-06 BM SICA left,DIEP right
Nodes Neg No chemo or rads 
Revisions along with LAVH/BSO/TVT 1-23-08
Biopsies x 3 10/20/08,neg
Bone scan 2/23/11 spot on R frontal and occiptal bone
PET/CT scan 3/4/11 negative

Hi Rose,
 
I dont have the time right now to reply  to everyone that has posted but will put this thread as a sticky so it does'nt roll off the front page and send my good wishes to all struggling so much post bc

Tricia Keegan...From Ireland Dx July '05 IDC 3/9 nodes pos..triple positive..a/c x 4..Taxol/herceptin x 12
Herceptin 1yr ..rads x35 oophorectomy Aug '06
Currently taking Arimidex /Zometa 1 x yearly
Carepage- survivortricia

Rose: I am wishing you the best.

Tina    
dx 2/1/11 DCIS
Lumpectomy 2/27 results DCIS/LCIS Stage 0 ER+ PR+
Bi-lateral Mastectomy 4/26 with expanders 
6/3 Surgery to remove contaminated expander due to infection.
7/22/11 Surgery to reinsert the expander. 
10/11/2011 Surgery to replace tissue expanders with implants. 
 

Rose - Eat that chocolate and enjoy the sunshine! 

Hug
Elaine

 A person's greatness is the power to stand alone;to be able to make her own choice; in action,to write anew her own law; to choose her own sacrifices; run her own dangers; win her own freedom; venture her own destruction; to choose her own happiness 
 

Farla - 

I agree with your feelings about people who are 'grateful' they had cancer.  I think it's absurd.  But, when I try to understand why they feel this way, I think it might be their way to find the 'good' in a horrible situation.  I know we've all asked ourselves, 'why did this happen to me?'  I had a shocking moment (when I was very first diagnosed) when I read a paragraph on cancer in one of Louise Hay's books (and I was a fan of hers) which said that we get cancer because we haven't been able to let go of our resentments in life.  You can imagine how incensed and surprised I was when I read that.  I actually wrote a letter to her through the publisher although I did not receive a response.  

I have no point to make here except to note that there are many layers to all of this and we all represent the various possibilities.  Think of how different we are and how this disease has brought us to a common place.

I'm damn sorry for those of us who have these down times even in them midst of happy times.   I have no cure, but I do have this magic wand........   :)  

Hug
Elaine

 A person's greatness is the power to stand alone;to be able to make her own choice; in action,to write anew her own law; to choose her own sacrifices; run her own dangers; win her own freedom; venture her own destruction; to choose her own happiness 
 

Like everyone, I wish the beast had not come knocking at my door. 
I see nothing positive about having your world turned upside down, and seeing the worry and fear in the faces of those who love you. 
How can we not be changed?  How can a backache or headache not start the low humming of worry and "what if's"?  How do we look in the mirror at all those scars, and fake boobs and remember our beautiful bodies before they were sliced up, and  hormonally altered.  We cut out tumors and extract organs to heal the body, but how do heal the mind after such an assault?

I'm scarred, but not broken, sometimes afraid yet hopeful, the same, yet somehow different since hearing the dreaded words almost 4 years ago.

I have the occasional pity party, but the battle is always on to be the victor.   There are days when I scream like a bloody fool in the shower, and days I laugh just as hard(Not in the shower, lol).

 I try to look at it like this. There will always be life struggles to contend with, as well as victories to celebrate.  People die, new life is born,  children dissapoint, love finds or abandons us, the grass needs to be cut, the IRS claims they did not get your check, hear the snow fall,  enjoy a great meal with our family and sing "happy birthday",  argue  with our spouse,  put kids on the school bus, learn of a friend struggling, find the perfect pair of shoes(on sale), care for an ill parent...... and on
Sometimes the good tips the scale, sometimes the $hitstorm comes without warning... , and it can change in the blink of an eye.  bc or not    

I had a difficult time accepting my situation for the first year or two after dx, but have found that for me, time is a healer.   My mantra is, "it could be worse" or "not dead yet ", and for me it usually works. 

I don't know how my life will end, but I hope to live in health until my demise (painlessly in my sleep of course).  I had a dream once that I will live until the age of 58.  That means I have 3 years to cram in as much as possible, and hope that dreams really DONT come true.   



I'm sorry that so many are struggling in survivorship, and wish every one of us could embrace her precancer self, find peace, and feel a sense of calm about our futures.    We are changed, but I believe that strong, smart, beautiful woman is still there, in all of us!

Rose, I just saw on the news that people who eat chocolate live longer than those who don't  My question is ....who are these mythical creatures? (the don'ts)

dx ILC/dcis excisional biopsy 5/30/08
r segmental mast (partial) snb 6/4
node neg stage1 gr ll
er+/pr- Her2 - Oncotype Dx 11
R mast 9/22/08 w DIEP
tamox,now AI 
BRCA 1 & 2 NEG
davinci hyst/bso,  

Elaine,
I read that too and promptly threw that book in the trash.  Wasn't it called, "our bodies, ourselves"? 

dx ILC/dcis excisional biopsy 5/30/08
r segmental mast (partial) snb 6/4
node neg stage1 gr ll
er+/pr- Her2 - Oncotype Dx 11
R mast 9/22/08 w DIEP
tamox,now AI 
BRCA 1 & 2 NEG
davinci hyst/bso,