Paula, let me share a story. During the middle of my chemo, when I was feeling just about the lowest of the low, my brother-in-law died of brain cancer. Going to his funeral hurt to the core, and the worst part for me was the "survivor guilt". Why was I still alive, and he wasn't? Strange thoughts invade our souls that no one can explain. Feeling that life is intruding on your time is okay. Really. I understand completely because my hubby and I are big time founding members of the "blended family club" along with alternate weekends, etc. We are quite a bit older than you, but have been dealing with the visitation/holiday/weekend thing for over 12 years. My youngest is now 17 and he decides where he goes when. He is still with us primarily.
Crying, emotions, let them flow. Facing chemo for the first time is extremely emotional. Go be by yourself. I used to build a nest in my bed of about 14 pillows, 3 fans, remote control, and tv, and everyone knew to knock or I'd throw something at them. I also kept my cell phone by my side, on those days, so when I sounded the "all clear"...love and support came back into the room in the form of whoever was in the house at the time.
One more thing, and this may fall under the heading of "TMI", I can't remember for sure, but in case you don't already know, your hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, are not the only body hair you will lose. Yes, I'm talking about arm pit hair, leg hair, and the "down there hair". I wasn't warned about that, and "woo hoo", was that a different experience. Shit just fell out everywhere.
Seriously, I have you permanently in my heart and soul, and I absolutely understand that you don't want to do this thing called chemo. You don't want to give up and quit either. Your choice.
Gentle hugs and lots of love
<message edited by Deb Allen on Friday, August 07, 2009 9:41 PM>