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 And Life Goes ON: Daily Support
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scootersmom

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Saturday, April 06, 2013 6:28 PM
I am so sorry for the stress that you are all going through because of "loved ones".  I've dealt with family members who were idiots during this whole thing and the one relief I got was that they didn't live me.  I don't know what is worse.  Having someone there that doesn't care or going it alone.  I had my mom with me that helped a lot.  I am not married and had no significant other in my life.  I just don't think I would have been able to handle the things as they came up if I had a spouse who showed me he didn't care or was detrimental to my positive attitude.

As Elaine said, you ladies are warriors who deserve love and respect.  You must do things for you.  You deserve it. You have come a long way and are continuing to demonstrate your strength. Don't let someone's insecurity zap your strength.  
Tina    
dx 2/1/11 DCIS
Lumpectomy 2/27 results DCIS/LCIS Stage 0 ER+ PR+
Bi-lateral Mastectomy 4/26 with expanders 
6/3 Surgery to remove contaminated expander due to infection.
7/22/11 Surgery to reinsert the expander. 
10/11/2011 Surgery to replace tissue expanders with implants.
 
 



Ilene

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Sunday, April 07, 2013 11:44 AM
Ruthie and Karen - I, too, am just seeing your posts for the first time, and want to tell you that, regardless of how your husbands are making you feel, you are wonderful, intelligent and emensley strong and resiliant women warriors, and deserve all the love that the world has in it.

Ruthie - I'm glad that you've found some clarity and your voice through therapy.  Therapy, with a good therapist, can be a good thing (so long as you're careful that they don't misinterpret things that have happened in the past).  We don't go through BC alone - not the support part or the disease part.  For those of us who are married or in committed relationships when the disease becomes relevant, it will, as we know, have a huge effect on our relationships (and not just the one with our significant other).  Yes, WE are the ones undergoing the knife and the chemo and the pain and personal fears, but our significant others are going through some of their own - the fear of loosing us, the feeling of helplessness and inability to be that strong man who can fix things and make us smile and feel better.  I'm not saying this to excuse behaviors, but, rather, to maybe shed light on what you may be living with now.  I've said so many times over the years, including during treatment, that there is a LOT of support for us warriors (thank God for Komen!), but virtually nothing for our families.  Sure, the hospitals offer, as an aside, Social Workers 'if your family needs one' to help them get through, but I'd imagine not many take them up on that 'by the way' offer.  I was fortunate that my husband was 150% there for me.  He came to appointments, checked me in for surgeries and then was paged when I was in recovery to come back immediately to hold my hand, changed drains .... BUT, I never saw him falter or be scared, as I was.  I know he was, but he isn't the type to EVER show anything less than positivity.  Gloom and doom is not his strong suit, so he covers with humor (so much so that, more than once, I had to ask him NOT to go into pre-op with me so I could meditate and not be pissed at him for joking around).  All that said, although we have an enormous love for eachother and are eachothers best friend and do everything together, there is no intimacy any more.  I'd like to blame it on breast cancer, but the intimacy lessened over the years before breast cancer, and, I think, was more a result of (1) my weight gain years before BC and HUGE gain after BC, and (2) the stressful job I had for 20+ years that required a long 'unwind' period when I'd get home. 

I've kind of lost where I'm going with this .... perhaps what I'm trying to say is, (1) we all realize, as survivors, that we suffer from a form of PTSD, if you will, and need to accept that the people who are close to us (our significant others), go through a form of PTSD as well, and need to accept that and work through it, if they will, by either talking to eachother or going for therapy, or finding an online support group, and (2) I know, for me, my level of allowing myself to be abused (be it professionally, emotionally, or otherwise) is tremendously lower than pre-BC.  I no longer am willing to remain in relationships that are toxic (haven't spoken to my sisters or father in years).  Regardless of which scenario hits home for each of you (Ruthie and Karen), your happiness is the #1 priority.  And, Karen, YOUR happiness IS even more important than your child's happiness, because they are inseperably linked. Do you think your son can be truly happy seeing his mother so sad and emotionally abused?  I watched my father verbally abuse my mother for most of my life (and it's worse now that they're in their mid-late 80s and he needs mom to care for him) .... all the dance classes, piano lessons, extra curricular activities, and 'stuff' in the world couldn't make up for living in that toxic environment (and THEY, believe it or not, to this day, claim that they 'love' eachother!). 

I hope you (Ruthie and Karen) continue seeking out YOUR answers and hope your husbands come around and accept that they, too, need to do some soul searching.  Life, as we know, is WAY to short to waste it being miserable.  Intimacy is one thing .... having someone you WANT to share your life with, whether a significant other, or just good friends, or even being happy living life in your own skin, is something entirely else.

Karen - I know you've had a lot of changes and obstacles going on recently, and one more change may be a lot to handle, but, you can't stay in a state of emotional abuse like you're describing.  Who CARES what your husband thinks about whether or not you'll find another man!  You don't seem to have one now (from what you're describing).  If you (as a couple) can't fix it, don't be afraid to save yourself and your son from the abuse.  Emotional abuse is just as harmful, if not more, than physical abuse ... we just don't think of it that way.

I love you both and hope you are both able to find a road to personal happiness and get joy back into your lives, and, if it's to be, your marriages.  <3
Ilene
Cali
Diag 1/2006, DCIS-left, IDC-right, ER+/PR+, Node Neg, Stage 1
Bilat Mast 2/2006
6 Rnds Chemo (FAC)
Right then Left exp infect/removed
Right lat dorsi 10/2006
Left lat dorsi 1/2007
EXCHANGE 4/23/2007!
On Tamoxifen since 2007 (on 10-yr cycle)
sharonma

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Thursday, April 11, 2013 12:48 PM
I promise NEVER to complain about the cold.  I promise NEVER to complain about the cold.    My hot flashes and I were perfectly happy in the sixty degree weather.  Go home 80s .... Its too early...
Now where is that ice pack?. That's sunburn, haha
dx ILC/dcis excisional biopsy 5/30/08
r segmental mast (partial) snb 6/4
node neg stage1 gr ll
er+/pr- Her2 - Oncotype Dx 11
R mast 9/22/08 w DIEP
tamox,now AI 
BRCA 1 & 2 NEG
davinci hyst/bso,  
Tricia Keegan

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Thursday, April 11, 2013 3:45 PM
Ouch Sharon!!!
Tricia Keegan...From Ireland Dx July '05 IDC 3/9 nodes pos..triple positive..a/c x 4..Taxol/herceptin x 12
Herceptin 1yr ..rads x35 oophorectomy Aug '06
Currently taking Arimidex /Zometa 1 x yearly
Carepage- survivortricia
Tricia Keegan

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Thursday, April 11, 2013 3:53 PM
Karen I just wanted to echo what everyone has said to you and I'm sorry you're dealing with this emotional abuse, thankfully people who choose a partner based on looks alone are the one's you don't want or need anyway so thats okay! Never doubt your own inner strength and beauty, your husband makes himself feel good by putting you down, I wish I had Ilene's way with words but don't allow him to bring you down with any negativity, you've been through too much to take that crap from anyone!
Tricia Keegan...From Ireland Dx July '05 IDC 3/9 nodes pos..triple positive..a/c x 4..Taxol/herceptin x 12
Herceptin 1yr ..rads x35 oophorectomy Aug '06
Currently taking Arimidex /Zometa 1 x yearly
Carepage- survivortricia
Susan

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Friday, April 12, 2013 1:28 PM
HI Farla! Are you my FB Farla? WOO HOO! I am reading all these posts to this thread. A lot of them sound like me, now! I will decide at the end if I have anything to add, which I doubt! Women here have always been smarter than me. :)
Susan in TN
dx 3/05/07
IDC 3 cm.,10% DCIS/Stage IIB/T2/G2
6/9 + lymph nodes
ER+ 90%/ PR-/ HER2-
A/C,Taxotere
Simple rt. mast.
Arimidex 
Radiation
carepage:blackeyedsue
Susan

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Friday, April 12, 2013 2:14 PM
Ruthie, wish I had known this was here about a month ago when my hubby went wacky! I didn't realize you had gone for therapy. Didn't realize R and B were having similar reactions to our cancer. Hope all is better for you! Better would not be a good word for my situation, but it is a work in progress for now. Email, pm me any time. Sounds like we could sound off each other. BIG PINK HUGS
Susan in TN
dx 3/05/07
IDC 3 cm.,10% DCIS/Stage IIB/T2/G2
6/9 + lymph nodes
ER+ 90%/ PR-/ HER2-
A/C,Taxotere
Simple rt. mast.
Arimidex 
Radiation
carepage:blackeyedsue
Susan

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Friday, April 12, 2013 2:25 PM
Skye, I responded to Ruthie's post today, when I found it, so will now respond to yours. Also learning a bit more about you! It feels good to know that I am not the only one that lost a "best friend"/close hubby while distracted with our fight! I really needed my PINK sisters and hubby, being military should get that, as he talks about his bond with his "brothers." Why does it seem impossible to have BOTH a best friend spouse and still have our bond with those that share things that spouses cannot share? That question made sense to me at least, LOL. You, Ruth and myself should have ourselves a private pow-wow. I may find others if I keep reading. LUV U SISTER. HUGS
Susan in TN
dx 3/05/07
IDC 3 cm.,10% DCIS/Stage IIB/T2/G2
6/9 + lymph nodes
ER+ 90%/ PR-/ HER2-
A/C,Taxotere
Simple rt. mast.
Arimidex 
Radiation
carepage:blackeyedsue
Anna Rae

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Sunday, April 14, 2013 6:47 AM
Life goes on, and on and on...

My therapist knows the right questions to ask. For the past couple of years I've just wanted to focus on my paralyzing grief following the loss of my daughter. Wednesday she asked me about survivorship...

Fact is, I hate my implant. I hate it more than ever since I got the areola tattoo. I was OK with nipple construction. I was OK without the nipple construction.

Everyday I feel more and more awake. I used to say that I felt like I was having a perpetual hangover. I guess I'm sobering up to reality and I'm just not happy with it. And then I think, "well I didn't lose a leg or an arm, why am I complaining?" 

I am complaining because I have lost my self. Try as I might, I cannot find me. "New Normal" is a phrase that I just cannot bring myself to embrace. 

Anybody else ever feel like this?
Like Jerry said, What a long, strange trip it's been... 

DCIS Stage 0, Right Side Unilateral Mastectomy -  May 14, 2010
HER2+ BC Stage 3C, Right Side Lymph Nodes - 6 Months Later
End of Tx, June 8, 2012
NED - July 5, 2012

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/annaraebamberggilder

Anna Rae
ElaineQW

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Re:And Life Goes ON: Daily Support - Sunday, April 14, 2013 8:23 AM
Hey Anna Rae,

I cannot even begin to fathom the loss of a child and there are no words.  I do know from others that with the passage of time the grief subsides (at least on the surface) but I'm sure life can never be the same.  That being said, life does go on, with our participation or without, so it is our choice which path to take.

To be diagnosed with breast cancer on top of it all is a WTF moment for sure!  I have never liked the phrase "new normal" because I want to believe that our lives are more than that.  They may be joyous, miserable, fun, agonizing, unpredictable, structured, frightening, etc. etc.  Normal doesn't even begin to cover the possibilities.  I totally understand what is meant by normal or new normal, but I feel constrained by the choice.  I see my life  as more complicated than normal or not normal and so that has never been my goal.

Everything we experience in life changes us -- I know you are strong (aren't you sick of hearing that?) I know you have a crazy sense of humor, I know there are things you feel that you've probably never expressed to anyone, I know you hate your implant :)  Take all those "I knows" and USE them.  I think you will 'know' what I mean.

Please forgive this philosophical post....It's just the way my mind works and how I muddle through to find happiness in spite of the opposing forces :)

Hug
Elaine


 A person's greatness is the power to stand alone;to be able to make her own choice; in action,to write anew her own law; to choose her own sacrifices; run her own dangers; win her own freedom; venture her own destruction; to choose her own happiness 
 





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